Why Survivors Stay or Return...

Why Many Survivors Stay or Return: Understanding the Reality of Abuse

At The Debbra House, we believe truth, compassion, and education are essential to ending domestic violence. One of the most misunderstood aspects of abuse is why survivors stay with or return to their abusers. This question is often asked without an understanding of the deep, complex realities survivors face.

How common is it for survivors to return?

Research consistently shows that a significant percentage of survivors leave and return to an abusive partner multiple times before permanently leaving.

• Studies estimate that between 50 percent and 75 percent of women who experience intimate partner violence will leave and return at least once. • Many survivors attempt to leave an average of seven times before they are able to leave for good.

These numbers are not a sign of weakness. They reflect how difficult and dangerous it can be to leave an abusive situation.

Why do survivors stay or return?

Survivors often face layered barriers that make leaving incredibly hard:

Safety risks

Leaving is one of the most dangerous times for a survivor. Threats, stalking, and escalated violence are common after separation.

Financial dependence

Many survivors lack access to money, housing, transportation, or employment, especially if financial control was part of the abuse.

Children and family concerns

Survivors may fear losing custody, disrupting their children’s lives, or facing pressure from family or faith communities to stay.

Emotional bonds and trauma

Abuse often includes cycles of apology, affection, and promises to change. Trauma bonding can make it emotionally painful to leave.

Lack of support or resources

Limited access to shelters, legal help, childcare, or culturally responsive services can leave survivors feeling trapped.

Shame and stigma

Fear of judgment or being blamed keeps many survivors silent and isolated.

What this means for our community

When we ask “Why didn’t she leave?” we shift responsibility away from the abuser and place it on the survivor. A better question is:

“What barriers made it unsafe or impossible for her to leave?”

Survivors need time, safety, and support. Healing and freedom do not follow a straight line.

Our commitment at The Debbra House

At The Debbra House, we meet survivors where they are. Whether someone leaves once, leaves many times, or is still trying to find a safe way out, they deserve dignity, patience, and care.

We work to remove barriers by providing support, resources, advocacy, and community education so survivors are not forced to choose between safety and survival.

If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence, help is available. You are not alone, and your story matters.

National Domestic Violence Hotline

Call or text 1-800-799-7233

TTY 1-800-787-3224

Or visit thehotline.org

Together, we can replace judgment with understanding and build safer futures for survivors.